Just another Saturday night
by lemondragonfly
Summary: Tali, Garrus, Mordin and Grunt are drinking in the Normandy Bar. Garrus is having relationship issues. Rated T for mild language. Crack-fic of sorts. This is not intended to be taken seriously. One-shot.


**A/N. This is intended as a crack-fic. It's a joke. Please don't take it too seriously. Also BioWare owns all the characters, and we thank them for them. :)**

The new bar was proving a very popular addition to the Normandy. Well, they said new, but EDI maintained it had always been there, they just hadn't noticed it before. Whatever. Either way, Tali was glad to finally have somewhere they could go and relax without sitting in the smell of Mess Sargent Gardner's god-awful cooking. Thank the ancestors for the exo-suit's air filters. Granted, the suit made drinking in public hard, but Tail had worked out how to get around this.

Tali liked drinking with the crew. Of course, she had to watch herself with Grunt. Not enough alcohol, and she found conversation impossible. Too much and, well, did krogen always look that attractive? This evening she had drunk just the right amount and was pleasantly tipsy by the time Grunt joined her, Garrus and Mordin in the observation room.

"What did I miss?" the krogan asked the group.  
"Garrus was just expounding on the tribulations associated with dating human females." Mordin took a drink before adding, "Tribulations I warned him about."

Grunt nodded, and took a seat next to Tali. The force of his weight on the bar-stool made the whole room tremble slightly. Tali kind of liked it. Grunt poured himself a drink.

"So, what's the problem this time? Weird hair? Too many fingers?" He chuckled loudly, "Allergic reactions?"  
Garrus glared at the krogan. "You're a funny guy, Grunt."

When she looked at him, Tali almost felt sorry for Garrus. He had been drinking fairly solidly tonight, and was more than a little worse for wear. All of his words had a slight slur to them. She considered telling him to call it a night, but then thought better of it. After all, he had been the one who encouraged her to get all hopped up doing slammers on Omega that time. She shuddered as memories of the table dancing flashed through her head. _Stupid turian._ She poured Garrus another drink and pushed it towards him. He looked at it mournfully, before knocking it back. His mandibles twitched erratically. Grunt grinned at Tali.

"What I don't understand, is the lips thing." Garrus said.  
"What?"  
"The lips thing. That thing humans do with their lips."  
"You mean 'kissing'?" Grunt responded.  
"Yeah. That. What's with that? You know, they use those for eating!" Garrus shook his head, "Weird."  
Mordin always had to interject on anything remotely sciencey. True to form, he piped up with "Actually, the primary function of lips is to shape the vocal sounds for the articulation of speech." He was going on to explain the mechanics of this in human anatomy, when Garrus cut him off.  
"It's still weird."  
"You didn't think it was so weird last night when Shepard had hers pressed up against your face. She was all over you." Tali was grinning behind her veil. The look Garrus shot her meant it was probably a good thing he couldn't tell that.  
"Well, I didn't want to be rude. You know how she gets when you piss her off." He sighed, and his whole body slumped a little. Tali felt sorry for him. They all knew how their Commander could get.

She patted the turian on the shoulder in a show of sympathy. "Tell me about it. I beat her at Scillion 5 last month, she didn't speak to me for the best part of a week. We weren't even playing for credits."  
"Yeah. She did the same to me," Grunt chimed in, "Just because I happened to eat a couple of her fish. They all end up dying anyway. Figure I might as well get a meal out of it."

The krogan laughed, and Tali joined him, but Garrus just bowed his head to the counter-top and closed his eyes. When he spoke, the despair in his voice was audible.

"Oh, spirts. The fish. Those damn fish. Every single time we're on the Citadel, she get some new ones. And who do you suppose she expects to feed them? Not her. No, not the great Commander Shepard. It falls to Chambers. And you know Chambers, she's got lots of other…commitments. So I end up having to do it, because when the little bastards do end up belly up, she blames me. I don't even like them! They creep me out."

She knew she should be sympathetic, but Tali found herself laughing louder. "Fish creep you out?"  
"It's like they're…watching me. It's intimidating."  
"Pah, Turians! Scared of some harmless swimming food. Typical." Grunt knocked another drink back, and snorted a laugh. He gave Tali a gentle punch on the arm and added, "Worse than a quarian."  
Tali was mildly outraged. _Don't diss the floatilla, man!_ She punched him back.  
"You're one to talk. Remember when the hamster escaped? You hid in your tank until Ken found it in the reactor core."  
"That is different. Hamsters are small but they move fast. You never know where they're going to…end up." Grunt shuffled uneasily in his seat. Mordin grinned evilly at him.  
"Yes. Tenacious little creatures. Sharp claws. Big teeth. Will fight to the death if provoked."  
"Suits her." Tali thought aloud.  
"Good at burrowing." Mordin lowered his voice just enough to make his point, and winked at Grunt. The krogan tensed his body slightly, and Tali noticed. Maybe she had had slightly more than just the right amount...  
Grunt looked puzzled for a moment, before asking, "How did you know I hid? I told no one."  
Tali started to reply, but as always, Mordin was keen to enlighten.  
"Cerberus bugs everywhere. This entire ship is monitored at all times. Impossible to avoid."

He had been slumped on the counter for a while now, and Tali had assumed he had passed out, but Garrus suddenly sat bolt upright. His pale eyes were wide - well, wide by turian standards. The poor guy looked stricken.

"Wait - everywhere? You mean, EDI monitors this entire ship."

Ah. Tali knew exactly what was worrying him, but messing with him was just too much fun this evening. Besides, didn't he deserve the truth?

"Not just EDI. There's a video link into the starboard cargo area. Why do you think Zaeed spends so much time down there?"

That last bit might have been a bit too far. Garrus staggered to his feet, mandibles flaring wildly. Holding onto the wall for support, he began to make his way out of the room. Tali was starting to think maybe she should have stopped him two drinks ago. The noises he was mamking dod not bode well for his gastric integrity.

He clutched at the door-frame, and turned to face the group. There was panic in his eyes.

"I've got to make some calls." He tumbled into the corridor, and the screen door closed behind him.

Mordin burst out laughing, and Grunt joined in.  
"Poor guy."  
"Indeed. Inter-species relations is a complex scenario. Best to avoid altogether, if you ask me."  
"Oh, I don't know about that." Grunt winked at Tali again, and poured her a drink.

OK, so this was new. Usually the krogan drank himself silly, but he'd never included anyone else before. Maybe her good manners were rubbing off on him. She looked at Grunt and totalled up her drink intake for the evening. She was definitely just on the right side of slightly too much. One or two more, and she might be in trouble. But it would be rude to refuse a drink from a colleague. Was this a good idea? The implications for suit rupturing should her hormones get the better of her again suggested it wasn't. She glanced at Mordin, who was humming a showtune to himself, while mixing various different colourful beverages together in a glass. Not much medical help on offer there...

Meh. On the other hand, Chakwas was pretty on the ball. It was probably fine. Besides, it's not like one more drink would make her lose all her self control, would it?

Tali downed her drink.


End file.
